Anything but Love (aka Standard Time)
(2002)
If you can think of a more boring
and unenticing title than "Standard Time," let me
know. For the life of me, I can't imagine one. Of
course, the "Standard" here in the title refers to
old song standards, you know, the kind from, like,
a hundred years ago or something, the kind your great-
grandmother used to sing. This film hopes everything
old is new again.
In an attempt to recapture the look
and feel of old school Hollywood Musicals, you know,
the kind from, like, a hundred years ago, the film
tries to be romantic and cute. The plot revolves around
a lounge singer, who calls the genre of music she
performs "cabaret," and her life, primarily in the
realm of love. The protag here is a female singer.
Eventually, as this muddled mess moves around all
over the story, she hooks up with both a corporate
lawyer, her old high school crush, and a raggedy piano
player who helps her learn the instrument better.
Gee, I wonder which one she'll end up with...
The lead here is really as dull
as dishwater. She's got an okay voice and okay looks
but nothing to write home about, let alone write a
script around. While she does an okay job, there's
no spark here to give the film the electricity it
deserves. Her love interest, the lawyer one, is just
as charmless as she.
Meanwhile, the true romantic interest,
once the film finally figures out where its plot is
buttered (hehe, I kill me) is played by the biggest
milquetoast sop of the 80's (get it? butter... milquetoast...),
Andrew McCarthy. Perhaps any actor with a personality
was beyond the budget of this indie flick. Or perhaps
they were all busy. McCarthy's tries to be a sort
of Humphrey Bogart-esque diamond-in-the-rough here
and fails miserably. His one bit of interesting work
here is the ability to mindlessly switch his purposefully
ratty ballcap from forward to backward with the greatest
of ease. (It's important to a poetic moment in the
ending.)
Okay, okay, so I'm being a little
harsh. This film tries desperately to have a heart
and be romantic but it just seems to miss the mark
at most every beat. The script is pretty lackluster
and unfocused. It takes us forever to figure out just
what the hell the plot of the thing is supposed to
be. Plus there's all kinds of jangled subplots going
on here with the lead's pianist, co-workers, family
and Eartha Kitt.
Yeah, there are a couple actors
with personality in the thing. One is Patrick Warburton,
who pretty much has a cameo and the other is Kitt.
Relegated to the role of mystic "voice of reason"
who utters the key phrase that makes the lead see
the light of day, Kitt is wonderful. She's like a
bright beautiful red rose in this pile of weeds. (Okay,
there's a couple of dandelions too but you get the
picture of the floral arrangement).
Anyway, "Standard Time" is a rather
dull and boring affair. Fans of those ancient, creaky
Hollywood musical might find something to like here.
And hey, the film did remind me that I haven't seen
Steve Martin's "Pennies from Heaven" in ages. I've
got to rent that one. Like that much better film from
the 80's, this modern salute to classic musicals will
probably be sitting on the shelf for a while. However,
with this one, it's probably rightly so.
