Someone should tell Andrew N1cc0l, the writer/director/smug asshole behind "S1M0NE" that you don't shit where you eat. The wannabee wunderkind behind "Gattaca" and "The Truman Show" has created one of the most ridiculous, vile, fabricated, obvious, trite, vainglorious, pretentious films ever to exist. It might be a good idea to bind him, gag him, gouge out his eyes and dismember his arms so that he may never create again.

"S1M0NE" stars the always over-the-top antics of Al Pac1no. He can't "Hoo-ahh" here like he did in "Scent of a Woman," so he instead allows his eyes to bug out ass wide as possible while he overacts. He is so allowed to wallow in his own Pacinoism here that the muscle under his left eye continually quivers with delight. He isn't an actor; he's a walking facial spasm with vocal chords.

And while we're at it, what the fuck is up with his fingers? He has a band-aid that continually appears and disappears on his digits here (as he did in "Insomnia"). Has he contacted some sort of repulsive skin disorder? His fingers are grotesque. (And when is he going to start acting his age? His love scene here with Catherine Keener is wretched and obscene).

Anyway, N1cc0l isn't interested in creating a film here but rather a technicolor piece of feces. So intent is he on holding the entire pop culture world up to ridicule that he creates a script so phony, so bogus, so reprehensible we wish someone would smack him. His disgust for the pop culture consumer is so vast that he practically vomits his vile upon the audience from behind the magic curtain. This film mocks anyone who has ever bought a magazine, seen a TV show, patronized a film, bought a CD, went to a concert, and/or gotten on the Internet. To be succinct: If you've ever written a fan letter, N1cc0l thinks your an idiot.

Who does N1cc0l think will like this film? People in the Third World? They can't even afford to see this crap. (Lucky bastards). The only people who might be amused by this smug tripe is film students who are so sophomoric and pretentious that they think lampooning celebrity is a good idea. Do they not know where their future bread is buttered?

For those Third World folks, who haven't been informed of the plot of N1cc0l's wannabee masterpiece, it's about a retarded film director who can't get a deal or an actress to star in his film. He creates a simulated actress (Simulation One = Sim-One = Simone) to star in his films and she becomes a media celebrity. Her elusivity only furthers the curiosity of the media and the fans.

We know this film's script is going to be an obvious piece of shit when Pac1no says to W1n0na Ryder, who is walking off the film set, before he creates his Sim, "You're in virtually every scene." N1cc0l is that transparent. He is so pretentiously wannabee clever with his dialogue here that it is nearly impossible to listen to it being spoken and not vomit from your ears.

And the CGI ideas here are so simplified for the idiot audience that not one frame of the film rings true. Sure, it's a lampoon. I get it. But I'm not dumb. N1cc0l thinks I am though. And his idea of what the intelligence of the average film-goer must be only goes to further shows his contempt of the consumer. He treats us like morons. He has zero respect for our intelligence. What a megalomaniacal motherfucker.

"S1M0NE" is such a vile, pretentious, obvious, ridiculous, and smug film.

This plastic cinematic Frankenstein's monster, this computer encoded dung, this forced, ham-handed film has a horrible score by Carter Burwell. (He had to fail us eventually). The audio of this film should be removed from every copy. I can only recommend watching the film without sound. It is, if nothing else, gorgeous to look at. But it's like a rainbow in a piece of roast beef. It's lovely and fascinating to look at, but you know it's going to kill you if you consume it. (Vile consumer)! Or at the very least, make you puke it back up.

A vapid, pretentious, megalomaniacal, cinematic pile of Hollywood regurgitation. That's "S1M0NE."

Note:

Also with Jay Mohr, Jason Schwartzman, and Evan Rachael Wood.

Ryder's character is named Nicola Andres, a bent, feminine version of Andrew Niccol?

Simone's films: "Sunrise, Sunset;" "Eternity Forever;" and the self-directed "I Am Pig."

Report Card Script: F Acting: F Cinematography\Lighting: A+ Special Effects\Make Up: F Music: F Final Grade: F

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