Note: Spoilers. Don't read if you don't want to know about the film's plot. Duh.

What a nightmare. What a trainwreck of a film. I swear to God, I think I would rather attend Tim Burton's funeral than this film. It's a laughable piece of nothing.

The idea of remaking "Planet of the Apes" seems initially interesting. After all, modern cinematic technology has improved vastly since the original film series began in 1968. Get yourself a visionary filmmaker like Tim Burton on board, hire a good script-writer and you are well on your way to a blockbuster. Right?

What no one seemed to remember was that the original film's biggest hook was the amazing and mind-blowing finale' where Charlton Heston discovers he's been on Earth all along. That scene where he sees the remnant of the arm of the Statue of Liberty jutting out of the sand at the beach is cinematic history. It's a pop culture moment that will never be equaled or forgotten. Stuck right in the middle of the cold war and the nuclear age, the cautionary plot twist was perfection.

Using a script by Bill Broyles (who wrote the near-perfect "Castaway") that was apparently decimated by two hacks later in the pre-production stages, Burton et al opt to sidestep the problem of the established and well-known finale' by offering a new twist ending, one that will not have the film's protagonist discovering he is on Earth in the future. Trouble is, almost no plot twist could ever surpass the original. What we get here, in fact, is so abysmal and ridiculous and horrid that it makes one wonder how anybody ever signed on for the film. Especially the enfant punk of new Hollywood, Burton. One look at the script would evoke an easy "no" from even a neophyte script-reader.

The film shows the signs of problems from the very beginning. In the initial scenes, star Marky Mark Wahlberg is a astronaut who does some sort of research with chimps in space. Didn't this go out with the 50's and Sputnick? The plot here is stupid and Wahlberg is oh-so obviously aware of it. His character trains these space chimps (while on a space station no less) but yet he knows absolutely nothing - zero - about them. Then a co-star gets to drop a bomb of a horrid line... something to the effect of, "They get out of control when they are disoriented" or something like that.

Within minutes, since no one wants to waste any time on exposition, story development, plot development, character development or consummate filmmaking, Wahlberg's character flies off the handle and (against direct orders no less) pilots a pod/probe into a "Star Trekian" space whirlpool thingamabob that throws him off course (of course). He crash lands in the forest on an unknown planet. Almost immediately, he meets humans being chased by apes. It's no surprise to us to discover, at the first climax of the film, that he has also entered some sort of time flux thingee. This is the sophomoric level of the script. Everything can be explained by time fluxes and black holes and stuff. It's predictable, obvious and completely stupid. There is no adjective in the English language (or the Ape language for that matter) that can fully describe just how bad this script is.

What makes up the body of the film is an elongated and pointless gumbo of cliches and badly executed chase scenes that are mind-numbingly vapid. This film has no plot, no sense of pacing (it's butchered pretty badly) and worst of all, horrible camera work. The handheld images in this film are as ratty and as discombobulating as the vomit-inducing moments in "Blair Witch." The DP here, whoever the hell he is, cannot execute a single set-up that is watchable. And when he manages to get something that closely resembles a decent shot, it is ruined by the set design, special effects, matte artists, costume design, bad lighting and/or inane action. Cinematically, 95% of the time, this film is on a kindergarten level.

There are some things to like, of course. Wahlberg is great even though he cannot cover his disdain for some of the insipid dialogue he is forced to mouth. (This putrid script actually has an ape character say, during a tense scene with a human, "Can't we all just get along"). Wahlberg still gets my vote for America's most underrated actor. It's a shame he wasted his talent here. As for the ape characters, it's really hard to tell who is who. One ape character that stands out is played by Paul Giamatti who eeks the only comedy out of the dialogue and action to be found here. He is genuinely amusing and likeable. This guy, who was the powerhouse behind the underrated "Duets," is certainly an actor to be on the lookout for. And, hey... This film is best when considered a Tim Burton homage to 70's sci-fi films. Some of the images seem directly influenced by the original film and by Kubrick's "2001."

But sadly, in the final analysis, "Planet of the Apes" is... awe shucks, it's too easy... Oh, fuck it... "Planet of the Apes" is a big pile of monkey poop.

Worse yet, it sets itself up squarely for a sequel in the most ridiculous and perfunctory way. I get the feeling the sequel will be directed by someone like Penelope Spheeris.

Note:

Also with Tim Roth, Helena Bonham Carter, Lisa Marie (AKA Mrs. Burton), Michael Clarke Duncan, Kris Kristofferson, Estella Warren and a cameo by Charlton Heston (as an ape).

Based somewhat on the novels of Pierre Boulle. I'd sure like to know how the first Boulle book ended and how much of the different film's plots come from the books. I do know that in the books, the apes flew airplanes and drove cars. The first film, in '68, sidestepped these issues (and stayed within budget) by suggesting that the Ape race was in a more primitive stage. But with modern technology and Burton's rather large budget wouldn't it have been much more fun to make the Apes' society more developed?

During production, the film was also known as "The Visitor." It was often described as not a remake but a "re-imagining" of the '68 film.

There was much speculation in the last few days before the film was released that Burton might not be finished with it in time. Rumors persisted that he was still editing the film up to one week before it's release. There was also whispers that the powers-that-be were unimpressed with Danny Elfman's score and wanted something more "thrilling." For what it's worth, I found the opening theme, during the first credits, to be right-on-target. Elfman got the composer's credit, so I am assuming it was his work.

Broyles is an Austinite and introduced the film at the screening I attended. It was his first time to see the finished product as well.

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