The Polar Express (2004)
All aboard for creepy CGI people,
contrived sentimentality and a wrong-headed Christmas
message that totally ends up defeating the film. Yes,
boys and girls, it's "The Polar Express," and this
is one Christmas ride from Hollywood that may better
be experienced as a theme park ride and a 3D IMAX
movie then it is in the traditional sense of movie-going.
To be sure, and to repeat a point
that has been made by nearly every critic who has
a pen, typewriter or word processor, "The Polar Express"
is creepy. The CGI "live capture" technology used
to create the film's animated characters and explained
endlessly by director Robert Zemeckis and star Tom
Hanks to the American people via the modern press
coverage of their Hollywood junket simply doesn't
work. It looks as fake as any other animated technology,
computer or otherwise. It may be new technology but
it's the same old creepy looking CGI people that have
dominated video games for a decade now. One only needs
to witness the ridiculous musical number in the first
third of the movie to see this new technology still
offers no growth in the art. The waiters who dance
and do acrobatic feats during this sequence may have
been created by this "live capture" technology but
they move unlike any real person ever would. It looks
weird.
To be sure, this musical number
is also the first indication that the film is going
to be quite typical and dull. Hanks' caterwauling
on a song about hot chocolate is not only irritating
but it is also pointless. It seems to be included
only to help ensure that the actor might somehow gets
to secure his apparent lifelong dream of singing on
the Academy Awards show. If this worthless song gets
nominated, I'll soak my hat with hot chocolate and
eat it. There is at least one worthy song in the film
sung by a young-sounding male and female that should
be nominated, however. And there is a plethora of
apparent public domain holiday favorites piped into
the soundtrack via a cinematic device that is cute
but not revolutionary once the characters get to the
North Pole.
The worst part of the film visually
is that when you see it on a conventional movie screen,
you suddenly wish you would have spent the extra money
and seen the film in a 3D IMAX theater. (The film
was released as a 3D IMAX film on the same day as
it came out to regular theaters). There must be 20
minutes of footage here where the train is used to
emulate a rollercoaster ride and seeing this in 3D
must be a hell of a lot of fun. Just as the pod race
in the first new "Star Wars" film is an obvious promotional
tool (and not a part of the movie) for the video game,
the conventional movie theater version of this film
seems little more than a promotional tool for the
3D IMAX film. Save yourself 10 bucks and spend the
20 to see it in the better format.
My biggest problem with the film
is its climactic moment. The film is based on a book
by Chris Van Allsburg and I can only assume that the
source material is somewhat to blame for this error
in ideals. Then again, since the film is an elongated
version of a short children's book, perhaps scripter's
Zemeckis and William Broyles, Jr. are to blame. Perhaps
the device of a child who has never had a good Christmas
appearing as a secondary character belongs to them.
In the film, the protagonist child ("played" and voiced
by Hanks. I don't think he ever has a name) makes
friends with a poor young child who has never had
a good Christmas ("played" and voiced by Hanks' "Bosom
Buddies" co-star Peter Scolari). So, at the big climactic
moment, the young Hanks' CGI creepy kid gets to have
his biggest single Christmas wish fulfilled by Santa.
When this happens, do you think he thinks of his deserving,
poor kid, never-had-a-good-Christmas, sad sack friend?
Fuck no! He thinks only of his own selfish needs.
And Santa goes along with this!
If this were a good and important
Christmas film, it would end with the main creepy
CGI kid giving his Christmas wish to the creepy CGI
poor kid. It would be a film about how Christmas is
about giving. Instead, the film tries to be about
believing in the magic and spirit of Christmas and
the kid gets a bell that rings to allow him to believe
in Santa. (He can't believe with his own eyes, he
needs to hear a fucking bell!) This is a lame Christmas
message and Hanks, Zemeckis and everyone involved
in this multi-million dollar fiasco had ample time
to see the problem with the script. It's hard to believe
nobody spoke up.
There are some decent things about
"The Polar Express." It isn't a total write-off. But
if your going to treat yourself and friends or family
to seeing the film as a Christmas present, then do
everyone a favor and see the film in 3D IMAX. It is
surely much better than way. Just be sure to remind
your kids that there are far less fortunate children
in the world. And remember to tell the kiddies that
the boy in the movie is a dummy who doesn't deserve
to have any friends. He's a selfish little bastard
who only thinks of himself. If there really was a
Santa, this little twit wouldn't have gotten a bell,
he'd have gotten a lump of coal.
Note:
Also with the voices (and "live
captured performance") of Eddie Deezen, Nona Gaye,
Michael Jeter, Charles Fleischer, and Steven Tyler
of Aerosmith.
Hanks is the voice of the kid, the
conductor, the father, the hobo, Santa, the narrator
and "Scrooge."
Produced by Hanks, Zemeckis, and
Allsburg among a plethora of others.
Jeter's last film. He is the only
"live" person to appear in the film. A photo of him
is at the end of the end credits with the film dedicated
in his memory.
Viewed in Austin in November, 2004.
