Out
Cold (2001)
Um. Remember "Meatballs" and "Hot Dog:
The Movie" and all those 80's movies that were stupid
excuses for 12 year old boys to see a bunch of girls
in skimpy outfits and see a bunch of risque jokes that
even "Playboy" would reject as lame? Oh, you don't.
Then you must be one of the 12 year old boys this film
is aimed at. Grow the fuck up already.
"Out Cold" is one of the dumbest,
lamest, most trite and typical comedies to disgrace
the silver screen in twenty years. While other films,
like the hilarious "Wet
Hot American Summer" and "Super
Troopers" have either lampooned or deconstructed
the "screwball" comedies of the 80's, "Out Cold" simply
rehashes them.
The film revolves around a, yawn,
ski resort that is being bought out by a big corporation.
Will the townies who have fucked and gotten drunk and
puked and pissed in the town square and local bar for
the last 3 years (cause they can't be over 21) stand
for it? Hell no! Will they come up with some creative
way to save the day? Hell no! Will they rely on some
of the most hackenyed and standard hijinx from Sophomoric
Film Farce 101 to get back at the bigwigs? Hell yes!
If there is anything to like about
this film it is Jason London as one of the townies and
Lee Majors ("The Bionic Man") as the rich asshole. London
is just easy to watch and charming as hell. Sure, this
role has nothing on his work in "Dazed and Confused"
or "To Wong Foo," but he's still a cutie. And he seems
to have a blast with Majors here. At least somebody
is having fun. Majors chews the scenery in ways that
it hasn't been gnawed before and then shits it out with
the tenacity of a cheetah.
The film is lensed, poorly, by Brendan
and Emmett Malloy, who credit themselves here simply
as "The Malloys." I am assuming they are brothers. These
doo-doo-heads have nothing on the Hughes brothers, or
the Coens or the Polish brothers. These guys could not
direct themselves out of a snowbank. There is no comic
timing here, no chemistry, and no sense of reality.
The special effects featuring stunt doubles engaging
in winter sports is so glaringly obvious that it is
laughable.
Worse yet is the music which is pumped
up so loud in the mix that one cannot even understand
the dialogue, not that there is one fucking line here
that really needs to be audible. A chipmunk could figure
out the plot to this cinematic refuse.
"Out Cold" isn't just out cold. It's
DOA. It's toast. It's a waste of celluloid. I laughed
maybe 6 times, and 4 of those were at the tried and
true outtakes included before the final credits role.
The filmmakers knew better than to wait even a second
before the credits started to begin the bloopers. The
end of the film simply segues into the bloopers reel.
I gaurentee that by the time the first credit rolls
on the screen, the 3 people who are in the audience
will be dashing for the door, the stench of the film
clogging up their olfactory senses.
I can see why Beuna Vista is releasing
this film in time for the Thanksgiving glut. The only
way anyone will pay to see "Out Cold" is if it is a
holiday and "Monsters Inc" and "Harry
Potter" and "Black Knight" are all sold out.
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