Lava (2002)
"Lava." No, it's not an Imax film
about volcanos (I don't think, anyway. Perhaps there
is one called "Lava"). Anyway, this one is some British
slap-fest about a nincompoop and his thug friend who
seek revenge on a guy. This one is like someone sucking
off Guy Ritchie for 90 minutes.
Here: I've got the tagline for whatever
dumbass distributor gets suckered into buying this
film: If You Loved "Snatch" - Get Ready for Sloppy
Seconds!
"Lava" is so Brit that us Americans
think were watching a foreign film. I could understand
about 2/3rds of what was being said here. And I used
to watch "Eastenders" religiously on PBS a few years
ago! This film is so fast paced and so full of slang
that it makes Terrence Stamp's character in "The Limey"
appear to be a Shakespearian actor. This fucking thing
ought to have subtitles.
Of course, the plot of "Lava" is
so inane and so inconsequential, that we really don't
need to understand the words. There's this guy. He
seems gay but maybe he's just stupid and doesn't know
that he's supposed to "act" like a man simply because
he has a penis. The other male characters know how
to act like a man. They have penises and carry big
guns. Gayboy lives with his dad and his brother who
is a vegetable. They have a lodger (hehe) who is kinda
a tough guy. Or "acts" like one.
Meanwhile, the guy who made the
brother a veg gets out of prison. He goes home to
his twat girlfriend who is a complete cunt (in the
British sense of the word, I mean). She steals some
drugs from three Rastafarian type black gangsters
and they try to find her on the same day that Gayboy
and Tough Guy come to kill her boyfriend. All the
while, a street fair is going on outside in the, um,
streets.
"Lava" is quick cut, fast-paced,
foul-mouthed and violent. There's more blood in this
boring old tart than I care to see on the screen.
Everyone but the vegetable pretty much ends up dead.
There's one senseless killing after another until
a young child actually comes in and (I shit you not)
kills someone. It's all rather trivial and uninteresting.
We could give a fuck. I'm seriously concerned that
the Brits are becoming far to much like Americans
in their love for violence and firearms.
The filmmaking is pure Ritchie tit
suckling. When a bad guy first comes on the screen,
a huge bass note vibrates across the sound system.
(The film credits Simon Fisher with "Music and Noise.")
And while the camera work is cool and the colors are
vibrant, nothing can make the irritating and pointless
plot go away.
If there is anything to recommend
in the film, it is a hilarious cocaine snorting scene
in the first half-hour or so of the film which is
kinda absurd and funny. Then the killing starts. I
can't figure out if this film is homage or spoof of
Ritchie, but regardless, it's bleeding crap, mate.
Note:
Written and directed by actor Joe
Tucker, who plays Smiggy in the film.
With Nicola Stapleton, who played
Mandy on "Eastenders."
In a street scene during the film,
you can actually see a sign that says "Lava" and has
the name of three of the actors, including Tucker,
on it.
