Suck Suck Yawn Yawn.

This is one of the worst, most derogatory, most unfunny, most inane and insipid films to come out of Hollywood in nearly 35 years. Why 35 years? Because it has been that long since we have had such a disgusting and self-hating fag as a main character in a film. You have to go back to 1970's "Boys in the Band" to find a more repulsive and inflammatory depiction of a gay man in a major Hollywood film. Hell, why didn't Shane Black, the obviously homophobic writer and director of this big fat turd of a movie, just get the rights to "Cruising" and remake it? That would be easier to swallow than this bulbous piece of shit.

It is obvious from this first frame of the film that this is going to be a bad movie. The "clever" opening scene, a flashback involving a child magician at a carnival, is about as funny and as clever as a cold sore. From there, God help us, we begin to be subjected to the continuous inside joke of Robert Downey Jr.'s contrived and inept narration. See, Black thinks it is funny to have his main character narrated this film, which has a minute bit of plot about actors and Hollywood, in a way that attempts to deconstruct narration and modern Hollywood film cliches. This is a film that will only be funny to those smug little fucks who think that they are going to be the next Hollywood insiders. I saw this film at the Austin Film Festival, a festival devoted to screenwriters, and the audience, made up mostly of cinemaphiles and wannabee screenwriters, howled with delight. When they show this movie in Peoria, people are going to be scratching their heads and waltzing to the box office for a refund.

This is one of the films most intelligent ideas of being funny: Unintentionally pissing on a dead body.

Here's the funny stuff involving the gay character played by Val Kilmer: 1) He is called Gay Perry (get it) because his name is Perry and there are so few gay guys in Hollywood that this works to differentiate him from all the other Perrys walking around L.A. 2) His cell phone rings when he is dead and it plays a ringtone version of "I Will Survive." (We later find out he is not dead. How ironic).

Kilmer never once refers to himself with any other term other than fag. He doesn't prance around or talk with a lisp except to be "funny" (although you can see him focusing intently to stop himself from doing so in every frame). In one scene he kisses Downey who immediately after the lip-lock gets violently ill. Id be pissed at such obvious homophobia but I'd probably wretch to if I had to kiss Kilmer. Have you seen him lately. He's off drugs apparently and looks like a sweaty, bloated, greaseball. The probably have to grease him up to get him to fit in the tailored suits he wears here which are obviously two sizes too small for him.

The plot here is unintelligible nonsense. If you can follow this story (and there is absolutely no fucking reason to even try) then you have the concentration of a bomb defuser. (For God's sake stop going to shitty Val Kilmer movies and use your skills to help the police).

Speaking of the police, they should be notified when "Kiss Kiss Bang Bang" plays in your town. There going to be getting a lot of calls about how some vandals have smeared shit all over the local megaplex's film screen. They'll arrive to find this movie playing.

Notes: ### Also with Dash Mihok and Larry Miller.

Based in part on Brett Halliday's novel "Bodies Are Where You Find Them."

The fictional pulp novel detective in the film is named Johnny Gossamer and the fictional author of his books is listed as Chester King on the novels shown.

"Robocop" is "spoofed." The Rene Cardona film "Santa Claus" is shown in the background on a TV screen. Colin Farrell is mentioned. Corbin Bernsen plays a character who used to be an actor and film clips from one of his 80's films or TV shows is shown.

The chapter titles in the film come from Raymond Chandler novels.

The film was called "L.A.P.I." and "You'll Never Die in the Town Again" at certain times during production.

Harrison Ford, Hugh Grant, Benicio Del Toro and Johnny Knoxville were considered for the main roles.

At least the fifth films with this title. The title comes from a and Italian movie poster which used the words to sell its film in English. Film critic Pauline Kael claimed that the four words were the most succinct summation of the appeal of movies that she had ever heard.

The film premiered at Cannes in 2005.

Viewed at an advanced screening during the Austin Film Festival at the Paramount Theater in October 2005, one day before it began a run in U.S. theaters.

Report Card

Script: F

Acting: D+

Cinematography\Lighting: C

Special Effects\Make Up: C

Music: D

Final Grade: F