Kicking and Screaming (2005)
If you've seen "The Mighty Ducks,"
you've seen "Kicking and Screaming." Okay, I've never
seen "The Mighty Ducks," but I still feel like I've
seen "Kicking and Screaming" plenty of times before.
It's got every typical cliche from every tweener,
underdog sports film since the original "Bad News
Bears" within it's frames. This cinematic regurgitation
is so bad that even the comic genius of Will Ferrell
cannot save it.
To be sure Ferrell tries everything
he can think of. But he's saddled with a horrible
script, a lackluster director, kid co-stars that have
apparently had their personalities erased by too much
electronic media culture and Ritalin, and two older
co-stars that are lost in the muddle.
Robert Duvall is an embarrassment
to entertainment here. I mean he really sucks in this
movie. I know Duvall is a great actor. My God, he
was amazing as recently as just a few years ago in
"The Apostle." But he is stymied here. Mired in the
shit that is this film, Duvall seems like he's more
ready for a pair of Depends than to be an actor you
can depend upon.
And what the fuck is up with putting
Mike Ditka in this film? Whew, can you smell that
on me? That's the smell of Ditka's shitty performance.
After two showers, a load of cologne, some underarm
deodorant and two packs of Dentyne Ice you can still
smell his shitty performance on me. The idea of putting
Ditka in this film stinks as much as his performance
does. What the fuck is up? Why would anyone consider
this a good idea? Does Ditka have some pictures of
a studio exec fucking a donkey? Or is it the other
way around? Does some exec have pictures of Ditka
fucking a donkey? I can't imagine that Ditka wanted
to be in this crap. Then again, fame is a funny thing.
Even being in this garbage is better than sitting
at home and not being famous. Isn't it? Just ask Ferrell.
Hollywood paychecks are nice.
The last three minutes of "Kicking
and Screaming" are okay. You just have to sit through
83 minutes of putrid cinematic diarrhea to get to
them. In the climax of the film, as Ferrell's ragtag
band of tweener, lame-ass, 12-year-old- soccer-kids-made-up-of-wannabee-actors
rise to the occasion and win the big game, you almost
think you might like this film. Then Duvall and Ditka
come back for the "epilogue" and you remember what
crap it has been. The best part of the film is that
this ending makes Ferrell look like a genius actor.
In the body of the film, he throws out all this random
dialogue that somehow comes back to be used as advice
to help the kids win the game at the end. It makes
you think that Ferrell must be a pretty good actor
to make all his weird dialogue seem like wild ad-libs
off the top of his head during the course of the film
- the set-up for this climax.
Of course, it could also be that
the scripters realized that what Ferrell had been
ad-libbing on the set was far better than the climax
that they had written so they junked it and used his
ideas. Whatever, it's far too little, too late. The
feel-good finale of the film really just makes you
feel all empty and hollow inside.
You'll be kicking yourself after
you pay good money to see this film. And screaming
at the pimply face kid in the box office at the local
megaplex to give you your money back.
Notes:
Also with Laura Kightlinger, David
Bowe and a cameo by Alex Borstein.
Judd Apatow is a producer and one
of the soccer kids wears a jersey that says Apatow
on the back.
Directed by Jesse Dylan, bob Dylan's
son, who also directed "How High" and "American
Wedding"
The film was known as "Soccer Dads"
during production - a much better title.
Viewed in Austin in May 2005.
