Hide and Seek (2005)
It's a psychological thriller starring
Robert Deniro's latest Dye job and THE CREEPIEST LITTLE
GIRL IN HOLLYWOOD, Dakota Fanning. "Hide and Seek"
is nothing short of one standard and tired thriller
genre cliche after another. If you can't figure out
who the killer is in this film within the first twenty
minutes, you're either an idiot or the same age as
Deniro's leading lady.
This is one of those films where
the main characters move into new house that you already
know is going to be creepy and problematic. When you
see that they are brining their pet cat along, you
can already assume two things: 1) The first "fake"
shock of the film will be the cat jumping unexpectedly
out of the darkness and 2) the cat will be dead soon
after this. "Hide and Seek" does not disappoint us
in this respect.
Deniro is as good as can be expected.
He's such a workman that I don't think he would turn
down a role in any film these days. He's like my dad,
the kind of guy who mows the lawn and fixes the house
on his vacation from his blue-collar job instead of
going to Florida. Deniro probably does theater work
and foreign commercials during his time off. It's
funny (if nausea can be considered humorous) to see
the 60- something actor here with his hair dyed a
dark black so that he can somehow seem like a possible
romantic partner for Elisabeth Shue (who barely looks
her real age, 42). Deniro is another example of an
ageing male thespian suffering from the "Eastwood
Syndrome," a disease that makes 60 year old actors
think that audiences will buy their romantic scenes
with actresses half their age. You can keep selling
it Deniro but I, for one, ain't buying.
Fanning, meanwhile, is so mature
and weird that it is impossible not to assume that
some adult somewhere is touching her where she pees.
This kid is headed directly for the Patty Duke home
for crazy adults who used to be child stars. She'll
soon be checking into the Jon Bennet Ramsey Memorial
Clinic for 9 year old girls who fuck their way to
the top. Comedian Kathy Griffith got in trouble recently
for saying Fanning had checked into rehab on E! TV's
red carpet coverage of the Golden Globes but how far
from reality can this obviously false yet still hilarious
tabloid gossip rumor be from becoming the truth? Fanning's
about two glasses of champagne and a line of coke
away from having a 3-way with Haley Joel Osment and
Freddie Highmore in front of a video camera. (Take
that Paris Hilton and Rob Lowe!) She maneuvers through
this film as if she were a method actress auditioning
for the role of Wednesday in some new creepy, post-modern
kiddie porn version of "The Addams Family." ### Anyway,
there's a lot of time to ponder the careers of Deniro
and Fanning here because this film is such a typical
and boring cliche that our minds wander incessantly
throughout its run time.
"Hide and Seek" is playing a game,
but it is with your hard earned cash. Don't let this
shell game of a Hollywood rehash rob you of any part
of your paycheck. It would be better spent on a game
of Chutes and Ladders or Candyland. At least that
way there would be a few surprises. And, hell, maybe
you could even get Fanning to play a strip version
of the game with you.
Notes:
Also with Dylan Baker (as a cop
who has keys to everyone's house), Famke Janssen,
Amy Irving, and Robert John Burke.
Viewed in Austin with my roommate
Amanda in February 2005. The first film I saw in 2005
that actually came out in 2005 (as opposed to the
2004 holdovers).
