Like a good looking hooker who only has a junior high school education, "Memoirs of a Geisha" is beautiful but boring. This lavish film goes on for two and a half hours and often the eye candy is so gorgeous one fears they may get ocular diabetes. But ultimately, the story is so typical, so obvious and so contrived that one is nearly overcome by boredom. It doesn't help that the film's marketing points to the "happy ending" quite obviously and thus removing nearly all the dramatic tension from the plot.

In many ways this is like a heterosexual "Brokeback Mountain" with love taking a back seat to longing and societal propriety. But since it is a heterosexual story, we know there will be a happy ending. We know that love will not only wind up winning out but that the love will be acknowledged and accepted. That's something no one expects as the end of "Brokeback Mountain" nears. So, at least "Memoirs of a Geisha" allows one to see how wonderful and prestigious the Ang Lee work is as a film. This is the film that will make most Academy voters realize just why it is that they should select "Brokeback" as the Best Picture of the year.

Yes, this is a beautiful film. There are gorgeous images here. The scene where the young titular geisha makes her theatrical debut doing a performance on large blocks substituting for shoes as it snows profusely around her is about the most delicious visual image in a film this year. But director Rob Marshall, who made "Chicago" so lackluster and yawn-inducing a couple of years ago, cannot get a grip on the story here. This is a film with obvious plot contrivances abounding. All Marshall seems able to do is allow his female cast to play either complete bitches or victims. There are no other characters here.

I could go on but why bother? Here's all you need to know: Pretty but inconsequential.

Notes:

In English, although with an entire Asian cast. It is sometimes difficult to understand the dialogue.

With Lee Gong, Michelle Yeoh, Ken Watanabe and Ziyi Zhang.

Based on the novel by Arthur Golden.

The score is by John Williams, who opted not to score "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" so he could do this film.

Nominated for several awards including nominations for Golden Globes for Williams and Zhang.

Steven Spielberg is a producer and was long rumored to be working on getting the film made. For years most expected him to direct it. Brett Ratner, Spike Jonze and Kimberly Peirce were all interested in directing at one time or another.

Filmed on a set in California constructed to look like the Gion district of Kyoto circa 1930.

Viewed at a sneak preview in December of 2005. Of course the place was packed and the most ignorant, stinky, seemingly homeless people sat next to me.

Report Card

Script: C

Acting: B-

Cinematography\Lighting: A+

Special Effects\Make Up: A+

Music: B

Final Grade: B-