"Enemy at the Gates" is the surprise comedy hit of the new year! You will laugh your ass off!

Of course, "Enemy at the Gates" is a UNINTENTIONAL comedy. The script is an oh-so typical and drab WWII drama that begins by ripping off "Saving Private Ryan" and concludes with some of the most laughable plot and dialogue since Michael Douglas carried Melanie Griffith across the border in "Shining Through" a few years back.

What makes the film so tedious and unbearable is it's setting. This film is a Russian history lesson from WWII. And yes, God help us, it is based on a true story. Filmmaker Jean Jaques Annaud ("Seven Years in Tibet," need I say more) rambles mercilessly through the muck and mire of occupied Stalingrad circa 1943 with a one color pallet (gray) that surely represents reality but is listless nonetheless. We ourselves have no choice but to become bored beyond tears.

The hero of the piece is a young sniper nee shepherd played by the flitty Jude Law. Law is so fey that we expect him to kiss Joseph Fiennes full on the lip at any moment. Annaud even ends the film with a credit screen slo-mo shot of the two men embracing. It just looks gay.

And what's even more silly and ridiculous is the accents here, which are often seemingly full-out British Cockney. See, most of the primary actors in the film are English - Law, Fiennes, Bob Hoskins, Rachel Weisz; trouble is, these guys are supposed to be Russians. Hoskins is playing Kruschev for Chrissakes. It's hilarious. Even Ed Harris, who plays a German, dabbles in a sort of what-nationality-am-I accent. Maybe in Europe and Britain this will go over, but in America it becomes just plain silly. When one of the characters calls the other "smart" in a crisp British twang, I almost died. Is this some sort of British usage of an neologism of the past passed of as something a Russian might say? Even I am confused.

Even more hilarious is the film's sex scene which is almost as laughable as the "rollercoaster" scene between Mark Wahlberg and Reese Witherspoon in the film "Fear." Here Law and Weisz mate in a slimy, dank underground cavern with several sleeping people about. It begins looking as if it might be justifiable called "the handjob scene" but then Law actually remembers he is playing a heterosexual (or, at least I think his character is heterosexual, between Fiennes, Law and Weisz, a sort of love trapezoid evolves). Anyway, Law attempts to get into the moment with the female and what evolves is one of the most yucky and ridiculous sex scenes ever to be filmed. It supposed to be edgy and heart-stopping. Instead, it is a reason to giggle more.

And that reminds me of the music. The score during the handjob - er - sex scene pulsates and moans as much as Weisz does in a lame attempt to make the scene seem "intense," when it is anything but. Of course, this bit of trickery sticks out like a sore thumb when preceded by James Horner's climactic and overblown score. Throughout the film, especially in the opening rip-off of "Pvt. Ryan," the music attempts in vain to elevate the film to the style of an epic by adding a "chorus" of "angelic" voices over the already grandiose symphony. It's obvious, typical and trite. A real joke!

Of course, everything about this film is typical and dumb. Even the subtitles, whether interpreting some Russian typeface or telling us (without any real need to) the date and setting, use a font that is supposed to feel "Russian." It's a classical bad idea from Hollywood.

And then there's the film's endless plot where Russian sniper Law plays cat-and-mouse with German sniper Harris for the entire last hour-and-a-half of the film. It never ends, going on and on. Often, it seems as if one has the other trapped when, bam, we cut to the next scene and there is Law suddenly out of danger. We are left to assume that we have graciously been allowed to skip through some dull bullshit that happened to get to the next segment. Whatever. It is a gift because the sooner this crap is over, the better.

Annaud is way out of step here. His film attempts with all it's heart to be "epic" but succeeds instead in becoming ridiculous historical revisionism. Annaud cannot seem to edit sound with picture successfully and his inability to add any romance, tension or drama into the piece, other than the seemingly unintentional homoeroticism, proves him to be a fool as a filmmaker.

If you need a few giggles and you have $8 to spare, this is the film for you.

Notes:

Also with Ron Perlaman and Eva Mattes.

Written by Annaud with Alain Godard.

In Germany the film is known as "Duell."

Personal Notes:

Harry Knowles and his dad Jay were at the screening I attended. Knowles is, I believe, friendly with Perlman, knowing the actor through director Guillermo Del Torro.

Corey and Martin from Austin cable access' "The Reel Deal" were also there.

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