Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star (2003)
What can you say? Either you love
David Spade or you despise him. Like myriad of other
obnoxious pseudo-celebrities, he may get on your nerves
and seeing his visage may be as painful as fingers
on a chalkboard to you. But for me, I think he's cute.
He's skinny, white, pale wan and witty. Geez, hard
to believe I like him, isn't it?
The power-that-be, in this case
Paramount, have a ton of dough riding on Spade and
his new flick about a grown-up has- been, and their
trying to recoup there losses. Chances are, they were
on a drunken bender after watching too many re-runs
of "Just Shoot Me" on UPN when they greenlit the damn
movie anyway. (Hey Bob, you have to take a shot every
time the laugh track is used. That's why they call
this game "Just Shoot-er Me"). Paramount execs, with
a hellacious hangover, a Coke dealer on auto-dial,
and a screening of Richard Linklater's "School of
Rock" to attend, didn't have time to figure out a
marketing campaign for a piddily David Spade movie.
Their idea? Sell it as a comedy! I can hear that exec
now, "What the fuck! Throw in some quick cuts a Spade
look-alike falling down two or three times, slap a
few alt- pop songs on it and call it a trailer. Put
the film out in September and make sure the fucking
thing gets a PG-13. Now get the fuck out of my office,
okay. My acupuncturist is on vacation and I'm stressing
like the Golden Gate in a windstorm."
Well, "Dickie Roberts: Former Child
Star" is not a comedy. There's hardly anything funny
at all in the damn thing even though Spade tries like
a trooper. Saddled with a third-rate script by Spade's
"SNL" alum Fred Wolf, the Thin White Dick wisely decides
to blow off the comedy and concentrate on something
worth salvaging in the script: Its heart. Yep, "Dickie
Roberts: Former Child Star" is a damn sweet movie.
Spade must have done something right
because he is given his perfect chemical reactor,
Mary McCormack, to work with. Looking like the perfect
suburban wifey and exuding as much grace, spirit and
lusciousness as an Olympic runner in slow- mo, McCormack
is exactly the type of personality Spade needs to
play of off. He looks cute with her. He seems sweet
with her. His wit seems funny and smart and kindhearted
with her. She completes him and the pairing of these
two makes for a great film. Wolf's script comes to
life when Spade and McCormack breath into it, mouth-to-mouth,
heart to heart. All is right with the world.
(By the way, doesn't McCormack seem
a much better choice to play the role of Samantha
in the big screen version of "Bewitched?" Sure, I
love Nicole Kidman as much as the next gay guy, but
McCormack not only looks Elizabeth Montgomery's double,
she has the same heart and comedic talent. And what
the fuck is the idea of giving the role of Darren
to Jim Carrey? Everyone in the world knows that role
belongs to Crispin Glover. Now that would be a movie!
McCormack as Samantha and Glover as Darren! Throw
in Daryl Hammond as Larry Tate, Shirley McLaine as
Endora, Dakota Fanning as Tabitha, Rupert Everett
as Uncle Arthur, Cheri Oteri as Esmerelda. Boom! You
got a movie!)
Anyway... back to "Dickie." What
doesn't work is... well, everything else besides Spade
and McCormack in the film. The cameos from actual
former child stars, like Barry Williams, Danny Bonaduce,
Leif Garrett, Dustin Diamond, Gary Coleman and a tens
of tens of others just aren't funny. They are sad.
Only Garrett pulls out of this film with his self-respect
intact. It's probably the best performance he's given
in 20 years. (Then again, it's his probably his only
performance in 20 years, unless you count his "True
Hollywood Story.")
But the saddest thing for me in
this film was the appearance of Corey Haim. Almost
hidden among the plethora of child stars who sing
a rip-off of "We are the World" at the end credits
here, Haim is, sadly, too big to remain anonymous.
Standing next to Corey Feldman and looking fatter
than Jerry Lewis, Haim looks ill and near-death. Apparently
unable to purchase cocaine any longer, not to mention
street-grade Fen- Fen, Haim is a blowfish waiting
to pop. It is a disgusting moment when one recognizes
him here. The kind of stuff that makes 40 year old
gay guys cry.
As for the "new" child stars in
the film, they are just awful. The little girl here
(Jenna Boyd) is an annoying amateur. The young boy
(Scott Terra) does little more than spending the entire
90 minutes trying not to crack up when he shares the
screen with Spade.
Like the audience, he succeeds easily.
Note:
The film is bookended with segments
that make it appear to be an episode of "The E! True
Hollywood Story."
Also with Doris Roberts, Jon Lovitz,
Alyssa Milano, Craig Bierko, Bobby Slaten, Hal Sparks,
Edie McClurg, and Rachael Dratch.
Milano was also a child star.
Lovitz and Dratch also appeared
on "SNL" as did Spade and Wolf.
Roberts plays Dickie's mother but
does not use her real first name.
Wolf plays a small role.
Cameos as themselves by Willie Aames,
Fred Berry, Todd Bridges, Gary Coleman, Jeff Conway,
Tony Dow, Florence Henderson, Christopher Knight,
Emmanuel Lewis, Barry Livingston, Mike Lookingland,
Maureen McCormick, Eddie Mekka, Jeremy Miller, Erin
Moran, Jay North, Ron Pallilo, Butch Patrick, Paul
Peterson, Haywood Nelson, Adam Rich, Rodney Allen
Rippy, Marion Ross, Ernest Thomas, Charlene Tilton,
Dick Van Patton in addition to others mentioned above.
(Although I would be hard pressed to call a few of
these "child" stars).
Rob Reiner plays himself but has
a significant role.
Wolf and Adam Sandler are producers.
Studio guitarist Waddy Watchel is credited with some
score music.
Viewed in Austin in September 2003.
