John Waters is a pussy.

Now, before you string me up - hear me out. Waters has scripted one of the most original, beautiful, exciting, and interesting films ever to grace the silver screen, "Cecil B. Demented." The script is full of the most wonderful and hilarious Waters dialogue to spew forth from the cult fave's ink pen in a long, long time. This film should be a no-budget masterpiece. Instead it's a flawed independent film, a minor cause celeb at best.

Waters himself would probably mewl is his wonderful prissy tones that the film couldn't be made as a real low-budget backyard production these days because he couldn't get funding and no distributor would release it. This is pure hogwash! What I want is the John Waters who made "Multiple Maniacs" to make this film. Instead, we got the John Waters who made "Cry-Baby." And that's a shame.

Surprisingly it isn't Melanie Griffith who doesn't work out here. In fact, she does a pretty awesome job. (Although I'm sure there is a better choice). Nope, the biggest problem with the film is Stephen Dorff. He is hopelessly unbelievable in his role. I hope Waters at least got laid out of the casting decision because he didn't get a good performance on screen. Why isn't Matthew Lillard the lead? Or Harmony Korine. Or David Arquette? Or an unknown? Dorff is horrible here. He ruins this film. It's sad. And it can't be marquee power that got him the role, or Waters the funding, because Dorff has no marquee clout. One only has to witness the best scene in the movie where Bon Jovi lookalike Jake Noseworthy voices his displeasure with his own heterosexuality to know that the second banana here could have done 10 fold the job the lead does.

And, of course, Waters defeats himself at every turn. Like "Pecker," the film tries to capture that cherished feeling of Waters early pix, but it simply cannot. And the hip-hop music (some of the characters border on ethnic stereotypes in my book) and wannabee ILM effects don't help much either. Waters is afraid! Afraid to make films like his original cinematic sins. He wants us to believe the party is over. The guy writes like he used to - even better than he used to. Why does he insist on making "Independent" films now? It boggles my mind.

The only distinguishable answer is fear. Fear and that comfort level he has established for himself as an old man in a harsh business. Oh, if this film only could have been directed by a new filmmaker! What power it would have! Waters script has the capacity to ignite a filmmaking movement (in this burgeoning DV age) the likes we haven't seen since Warhol or the explosion of Exploitation in the late 60's with this script. Instead, the best one can hope for is that computer nerds will hack out scenes of the DVD when it comes out (the really cool ones where Dorff yells out Waters' awesome anarchistic, cinematic terrorist slogans) and post them on their websites. This film won't cause a revolution in filmmaking. Like "Pulp fiction," it will just inspired endless homage and sociological xeroxing. And that's the best case scenario.

The biggest letdown: Waters pays homage to himself here by having Dorff ask Griffith to do something that is almost as crazy as asking Divine to eat dogshit. (Of course, it's only a slight homage to that insurmountable cinematic milestone). But Griffith doesn't do it for real. (No "known" actress but Divine would!) It's done instead, of course, with really horrible looking effects. It's sad. Cinema is dead. And, without a doubt, the true "Superstar" is dead!

Other then the script, the only thing I liked about "Cecil" was the costumes. Van Smith really does some excellent work here. I loved the look of the characters. A lot of them looked like they had watched "Edward Scissorhands" far too many times. It was brilliant and perfect. And, of course, Waters cast many familiars, some folks who look similar to old favorites (there's a guy who looks like the wonderful, late David Lochray), and plenty of goofy looking cute young men. Eric M. Barry as Fidget was particularly likable.

Waters is still a master and he is still one of my favorite filmmakers of all times. He has often complained that he competes against his past now and that his films are constantly judged by their differences to his past work. But, John, you set yourself on this course. "Hairspray" is a masterpiece, but it opened you up as a "mainstream" director for the worse off all involved. Your films since that time continue to lose power and zing. "Pecker" is still the best post-"Hairspray" film you have to offer. With "Cecil," your choices defeated you. And yes, as long as you ignore your true past, as a filmmaker, it will defeat you again and again.

Sigh. You can't go home again.

Notes:

Also with Mink Stole, Alicia Witt, Ricki Lake, Patti Hearst, Adrian Grenier, and Kevin Nealon. With cameos by Eric Roberts and Roseanne.

Music by Basil and Zoe Poledouris. Opening song by Moby featuring samples of famous movie themes. Liberace's "Ciao" is also used in the film.

Shot in Baltimore, Maryland with Waters alumni Pat Moran and Vincent Peranio in tow.

The film mentions "Forrest Gump" and "Patch Adams" as well as referencing many films and directors.

Waters appeared with Griffith in Jonathan Demme's 1985 film "Something Wild."

Noseworthy was in MTV's "Dead at 21" series as well as appearing in "SFW" with Dorff.

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