Bad News Bears (2005)
Why oh why would anyone ever remake
one of the most politically incorrect 70's movies
in these overwhelmingly politically correct of times?
Even more importantly, why would a smart director
like Austin's own Richard Linklater agree to take
on such a task. Linklater is a genius and one hell
of a filmmaker and, of late, has been on a winning
streak that should have lead him to Vegas instead
of Paramount studios. Consider Linklater's "Waking
Life" / "Tape" / "School of Rock" / "Before Sunset"
run. Even "Tape," which fared somewhat poorly at the
arthouse box office, is a distinctly original and
interesting film. Linklater is a genius but he is
undoubtedly flawed. "Bad News Bears" will have to
take its place with "Suburbia" and "The Newton Boys"
among his failures.
But the failure inherent in attempting
to remake this film seems pretty obvious to anyone
with half a brain. This story from the set illustrates
it perfectly: In the original, the foul-mouthed young
baseball player named Tanner verbosely denigrates
his team by calling them by ethnic slurs. Something
to the effect of "A Wop, a Jew, a nigger and..." so
forth. When this scene was re-shot for the new version,
it was so obviously wrong that it was immediately
scrapped. (Yet in this new version we have to hear
names like "cripple," "faggot" and "homo.") If Linklater
could have went for edgy, and delivered a R-rated
film filled with foul language and kids having sex,
smoking and drinking, then this film might have had
something to offer. At least it would have been unique.
But to go PG-13 with it and to offer up nothing at
all that is new or original is just stupid. The minute
they said it had to be delivered PG-13, Linklater
should have walked away.
God, this film is a shameful debacle.
Billy Bob Thornton is horrible. None of the kids are
interesting. The girl is no Tatum O. The bad-ass kid
is no Jackie Earle Haley. The girl, Sammi Kane Kraft,
was hired because she could actually throw a softball.
Who gives a fuck? Tatum couldn't throw a ball all
that well but we never once doubted her as a pitcher
in the original. Hell, I'm not even that big of a
Tatum O'Neal fan (preferring Kristy McNichol and Jodie
Foster as any gay boy with good taste did in the 70's)
but I sure missed her when I watched this film. The
girl here, Kraft... Kane... whatever the hell her
name is, certainly can't act and she's about as lackluster
as a piece of boiled Cod.
Meanwhile, Jeffrey Davies as Kelly
Leak may be as cute as a button (he is, in fact, a
hottie) but he has no edge and no substance. We though
Haley was a real bad ass. He was dangerous. He wasn't
pretty but his rough trade looks and his evil demeanor
made you cum in your pants anyway. The only kid that's
even come close to exhibiting Haley's raw, edgy, dangerous
sexuality in the last 20 years is Brendan Sexton III
and he's too old for this role. Linklater went safe
through the entire film and his casting is just one
of the many obvious flaws here. Davies just makes
you want to put his picture on your bedroom wall and
sigh. Yawn.
Wanna remake "Bad News Bears" and
have it work? Cast Courtney Love as the coach of an
all-girls team, call it "Bad News Beavers," make sure
it's rated R and sit back and collect your money.
I can't wait to see the original
again. This version sucks so hard it should have been
classified a hurricane and given a wimpy, fey, girly
name and blown itself far, far away from movie screens.
I hope anyone who makes any money off this shit gets
mauled by a bear. Or even better, maybe Haley can
come out of retirement and go to Paramount for a meeting
and then just beat the fuck out of everyone there.
I'd pay 8 bucks to see that on film.
Notes:
Also with Marcia Gay Harden and
Greg Kinnear.
Paramount is owned by Coca-Cola;
hence the kids in the film drink Dasani Water (a Coke
product) rather than beer.
The original came out in 1976. Hence
the "Est. 1976" on the bat in the trailer.
Linklater's highly anticipated animated
adaptation of Phillip K. Dick's classic novel "A Scanner
Darkly," which was shot before this film and expected
to come out before it has been held back to March
of 2006 by Warner Independent Pictures for some reason.
A new song by Ben Kweller is used
in the end credits.
Viewed in Austin in July 2005.
