Hollywood dreck. Who could possibly endure the 100 minutes of crud that is "America's Sweethearts?" Why only the brainless and the most bland and inept moviegoers ever. There's no doubt then that it will be a big hit in America. The thing is, people will only go because it has big "Hollywood" stars and a major distributor's massive press packet behind it. And the funny thing is, this is what "America's Sweetheart" is lampooning. The trouble is, it doesn't have the balls to really stick it to itself. That would be suicide wouldn't it? Why would Joe Roth, the director here and the head of Revolution Studios (who produced the film) want to cut his own throat? How can you make a big budgeted Hollywood picture that is an indictment of the very system it seeks to skewer? It's a hopeless scenario we've seen played out to it's inevitable lackluster conclusion again and again, albeit usually on a much smaller scale.

Let's look at the characters here and you'll see why this is such a distasteful film:

(By the way, I call them by their real names rather than there character's names because when we see them on screen, we don't think of them as the characters they play, we think of them as the celebrities they really are).

Billy Crystal plays a Hollywood publicist who would chuck his morals in a second to sell a film. He continually gives the most insipid and ridiculous advice to his successor, the neophyte Seth Green (who is allowed to do nothing here but look asinine). Crystal has real heart and warmth. We like him. it's hard not to. And even though Crystal wrote the disgusting script here, he is horribly miscast. We don't believe him for a second.

Catherine Zeta-Jones plays a Hollywood A-list actress married to John Cusack, a Hollywood A-list actor. CZJ's character here is such a obvious and detestable cunt that we just want her off the screen and out of our lives. Who would pay $8.00 to be around this bitch for 2 hours? Only a sadist (i.e. typical middle-aged filmgoer).

John Cusack plays a sad sack and his heart is obviously not in this film. You can tell he is only here for a paycheck. Cusack is a master when given good material. Here, he sinks like a stone, mired in the film's bullshit.

Julia Roberts. I'm sorry. It is impossible not to like Julia Roberts. This film needs a lot more Julia Roberts in it. When she is on screen, the film is almost bearable. She, unfortunately, plays a secondary character, a fat girl who has gotten skinny. She is too stupid to note that Cusack is only interested in her once she looses weight. Sure, there is a flashback scene, with Roberts in a fat suit, where Cusack kisses her. But this seems like a contrived moment and obviously concocted by Roberts during filming because she is an intelligent woman. It's not real however. It doesn't work and seems forced. Roberts made a huge mistake in doing this film. She wasted part of her life here and life is pretty damn precious. Especially when you are Julia Roberts.

Stanley Tucci plays a studio head who eventually wishes, out loud, that Cusack would kill himself at the premiere to help sell the film. Only Tucci could make this character work. The piece is too poorly written and directed for him to work well, however.

Christopher Walken (okay, I'm sick of seeing him dance now) plays a director who is so insane that he buys the Unabombers shack and turns it into an editing facility. Walken embodies Roth's attitude towards directors. He thinks they are insane maniacs who cannot make a marketable film. It's funny that Roth, a studio head, directs a film where directors are treated like lunatics. It is obvious that Roth, a studio head, thinks only studio heads can make film. It is no surprise that Roth's film, a film made by the head of a studio, is an unmitigated piece of shit not fit to be viewed by stable individuals.

Hank Azaria plays a moronic, lisping Spanish character. Hispanic people worldwide should boycott this film. He is horrible. And his character is so over-the-top and stereotypical that one almost vomits. I like Azaria. He is a talented guy. But his work here is so repulsive that I don't think I would not stop anyone who tried to burn him at the stake for it. Someone needs to slap him and wake his ass up. He can play normal and do just fine. His work here and in "The Birdcage" is so outrageous (and mean-spirited and bad) that he should be banned from appearing on film for another 5 years.

There are also Godawful scenes in the film with Larry King (didn't CNN have a ban on their employees appearing in films playing themselves? They should reinstate that) that make one cringe. King cannot even play himself well. Then there is Alan Arkin as a overly tanned Indian Guru which insults every new-age enthusiast on the planet. This film is so bland and so pasty-white that it believes it is humorous to mock Eastern philosophy and spiritualism. Assholes. Really, Billy Crystal; you need to get the fuck out of Hollywood and live in the real world. Even for 30 days. You need a fucking wake-up call.

There is not once character in this film for us to truly care about or like. The film is poorly written, poorly directed, unlikely and definitely not funny.

When you look up "Hollywood crap" in the dictionary from this point on it will say "See 'America's Sweethearts.'"

Note:

Co-scripted by Peter Tolan.

With a pop soundtrack so loud, obvious and misused that you know they are only trying to sell soundtracks.

With product placements so rampant that even Billy Crystal references the Hyatt hotel chain numerous times in the dialogue. It's repulsive. And was this film produced by Pepsi? Regardless the association for me is now clear:

Pepsi = distasteful crap.

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