8 Mile (2002)
(To be rapped)
I'm sorry Eminem I really liked
your movie
but that's cause I'm a gay guy
and you showed you li'l white booty
You know 8 Miles was very much
like a film by Fassbinder
I thought the drama
might never end or
might go on forever
I never though that you, Eminem,
could be a cinematic contender.
But then again
I should have known
it'd be easy for you
to let it show,
let it go,
let us know
just what it was like to grow up
in the streets that were so tough;
your mom was trash
your dad was gone
all you had was a job and a song
to bad this one,
like this film,
goes on so long.
You got a lot of power
and you got a lot of passion.
Guess that's how you got a director
like Curtis Hanson.
A lot of your fans probably don't
know
that he has a lot of potential.
Most those motherfuckers
ain't probably never even seen
"L.A. Confidential."
But then most those faggots
just there to ride your jock, eh?
Guess that's why you ended up making
the white-boy-rapper's version of
"Rocky!"
Everything's dreary in your film,
the tones are muted.
That this film looks cool
remains undisputed.
But the story is weak;
it gets so boring.
If I wasn't laughing at your ass
so much
I'd probably be snoring.
Writing raps and hangin' out with
bitches,
guess those acting classes
are something you been missing.
You got two expressions, Em;
I'm sad or I'm buggin'.
The sadness I got
but the other left me shruggin'.
Cause when your sad
all you do is that cute pout.
And when your mad
all you do is bug your eyes out.
Guess its all those acting classes
that you failed, man.
When you bug yr eyes,
you don't look mad,
you look like Marty Feldman
Brittney Murphy's hot
but I think I'll pass.
I'd rather look at your
pasty, white boy ass.
It's funny but
no matter if you fight or sing,
my gaydar still goes
ding, ding, ding!
And in this film
you try to be nice
and say
nice things about those who are gay
but that just makes me thing bout
you and Dre
and which side of the fence on which
you play.
I'm not saying you gay,
I'm just saying hey,
you seemed to go out of your way
not to be a homophobe.
I guess that's dope.
But instead you try to do it both,
be cool with fags and fuck the bitches.
Sometimes dude that just put me in
stitches.
But I shouldn't knock what you try
to do.
Even if, at times, you look a fool.
Your a white boy, dude, just admit
it.
I don't even know if I'll ever get
it.
You ain't gonna slam when you rap
gonna chose a path and be different
cause
you rap about your little kid
just like Kathy Lee Gifford does.
Still, I respect you, Em.
You did it your way.
Not that that means
in a good way.
Cause really, dude, your just a ham.
This is kinda like a film by Barbra
Striesand.
This is just like
"A Star is Born"
only much more gritty.
If you weren't so cute,
it'd be a lot more shitty.
Still, what does it matter,
I'm just a critic.
And this film's box office
did a lotta business.
I'm just a cynic.
You're his Royal Rap Highness
Your fans might think your film is
great
but I give it a C-
Notes:
This film really was like a "Rap"-oriented
homage to Rainer Werner Fassbiner.
Viewed in Austin in November, 2002,
with Melissa and my roomies Mike and Amanda. We went
to the Alamo Drafthouse downtown to see "Rules of
Attraction" but they were having a private party and
had neglected to change the newspaper ad or anything.
I would have been pretty pissed-off, but the Alamo
is such a great place and usually a fun place to visit.
I've had so many great experiences there that I couldn't
be upset about one gaff.
While we were there, however, we
noticed a flyer for UDO KIER! He's coming to the Drafthouse
in December. I missed Mary Woronov's appearance there
this month, so I am not going to miss Kier!
As we were leaving, we ran into
Melissa's friend William who was at my party the other
night for the 100th Lube TV taping (The cops got called!
I got a ticket for disorderly conduct. It was crazy.
William got shitfaced drunk and passed out on my patio
and someone found his cell phone in the toilet). We
talked to them for a while and then we drove to Pflugerville
to see "8 Mile."
