The
Third Society (2001)
It's been a long, long time since I saw a film by Andy
Sidaris or his son, Christian. They haven't made a film
since 1998. You may have seen the Sidaris' films on
one of the numerous cable outlets. They used to be staples
of late night cable programming, films like "Picasso
Trigger" and "The Dallas Connection." They still may
be. I don't get movie channels on my cable. The point
is: J.A. Steel, the filmmaker behind "The Third Society"
seems to be in love with the Sidaris boys. Steel's film
is a watered-down, limp, reeking imitation of a Sidaris
film.
Steel writes, produces and directs what is arguably
the most boring and flaccid low-budget picture to be
made in the new millennium. There is nothing - NOTHING
- not one frame of film here worth looking at. It may
be the most convoluted, slapdash and stupid piece of
shit I have ever had to endure. (Actually I had to fast
forward through much of the endless montages of the
40 year old lesbian lead actress frolicking on the beach
in the most hideous sports bra and gym shorts. This
chick seems to be Betty Thomas' more butch sister, if
such a thing is possible).
The plot of "The Third Society" is unintelligible.
There's lots of shooting. Most of it is blocked and
photographed with no real interest in continuity. There's
some motorcycle riding, some kickbox fighting, some
Asians getting their ass kicked by white girls (hahaha)
and lots and lots of helicopter shots. The film just
goes on and on endlessly never even trying to make sense.
It's jarringly dull.
The saddest thing about the film is that this is like
a Sidaris Skin-a-max flick without the tits. Sure, there's
a couple of shower scenes, but the lead actress is so
butt ugly that no one but the most horny of 50 year
old men could possibly be aroused by her. And the male
model in the piece never even takes his shirt off. There
is no redeeming quality here. And God Damn It - there
is nothing for those of us with prurient interests either.
This is the kind of film that is an equal opportunity
sedative. It will put anyone, any age, any gender, any
sexual orientation, any IQ, right to sleep.
There is no pacing, no continuity, no interesting
visuals. Nothing. The Godawful rock soundtrack will
require those who are unfortunate enough not to be sedated
into immediately needing a aspirin. And the laughable
sound design and editing would make even a 3rd grader
ask, "Who the fuck made this piece of shit?"
In my experiences, having attended film festivals,
as a film screener for film festivals, and as an online
critic, I have had the displeasure of seeing many really
bad films. It's hard to pick just one as the worst fucking
film I have ever had to endure in my life. (Fassbinder's
"Querelle" is still #1) "The Third Society" is in the
top ten. Maybe top five.
Notes:
J.A. Steel, writer director and producer of the movie
is also Jacquelyn Ruffner, the film's female lead.
The helicopter shots were done using Coptervision,
a remote control helicopter with a camera mounted on
it.
Filmed in California, in 9 days for under $500,000.
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Report
Card
Script:
F
Acting: F
Cinematography\Lighting: F
Special Effects\Make Up:F
Music: F
Final
Grade: F
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