Images of a dust filed New York street. Of the World Trade Center building collapsing. Images of fire. Screen text telling unbelievable news.

Thoughts ran through my head that this could not be happening. Disbelief. I quickly moved, as the day progressed, through the emotions often associated with grief. Disbelief, sadness and then anger.

One of the last images that I saw before heading to work, and this is near noon CST, was an image of a plane flying through the glass tower of the World Trade Center. It could not be real. This was a big mistake. It could not be real footage. How could they have real footage of such an isolated incident? It looked like a movie. "Armageddon." Michael Bay. Big budget special effects. It was a computer-generated rendering. It was not real. Hollywood Hokum.

As I drove to work, my mind raced. My immediate reaction was to call home. To talk to my mother. But if this was real, if it really was happening, there was no need to be alarmed. This was an isolated event. I know no one who lives in New York, let alone who works in the WTC. We are safe. This is isolated craziness. What could I say to my mother but to ask, "Are you all right?" Of course she was all right. She lives in Houston.

I listened to News Radio on AM on the way to work. I never listen to AM. Pentagon attacked. Another plane crashes in Pennsylvania. I think its Pennsylvania. How is this related? What the fuck is going on. Am I safe. Is my world collapsing? This is not real.

I get to work and we are all talking about it. One of my coworkers is on the phone talking about it. We speculate and converse. I find myself getting angry at Middle Easterners. They are so backward. Damn towelheads! They make their women walk behind them. They are so backward and uncivilized. Fuckers. Bastards. It is 2001 God damn it! Come into the 21st century. Grow up and get some knowledge. Bitter anger and prejudiced. I spew some of my hate verbally to my coworkers who all agree with me. Backwards, uncivilized asshole towelheads. Anger. Hate. Prejudice.

I have to stop myself. Think about what I am saying and thinking. Hatred. I do not hate. I am not prejudiced. I may have problems with the way many people do not act like civilized, Eurocentric, white Americans. But I love America because it is a place where we can have freedom of speech and expression. I must exercise my rights. I have to remember that freedom is the freedom to decide for myself not to speak in slurs, not to spew hate talk, not to hate. It is hard. I don't want to hate anyone. But I am angry. And hurt. My freedom has been fucked with. The freedom that is so dear to me. The freedom that makes America so beautiful. Later in the night on TV, I hear someone say, so profoundly and poignantly, that freedom includes the freedom to do evil.

Think about that.

I talk today to coworkers about the debate on burning the American flag. Why is this idea evoked today? I love America and I would probably never burn a flag. But my freedom of expression includes the right to burn the flag if I please. If you take the right to burn the flag or to question America or to show dissatisfaction with America away from Americans, then their freedom is also taken away. This is the whole right of free speech. But my freedom ends where your nose begins. Freedom of expression does not include the freedom to impugn someone else's freedom of expression. Freedom of expression does not include the freedom to kill. I respect the rights of anyone - of any country - to hate America. That is your human right. Even if your government does not give it to you. It is given by humanity. Freedom of choice, given by the creator of life, by simply being a human alive on the planet, includes the freedom to hate. It includes the freedom to do evil. We live in a society where we can do as we please. Where we can move about freely. But that freedom is fragile and precious. It can be tested and impinged upon. It cannot be taken away. It can be given away. We can only take it away from ourselves by giving it up when others try to take it. Think about that too: It can never be taken away. It can only be given away. As long as you believe you are free, you are. Only you can give away your freedom of expression. Your freedom to think what you please. Your freedom to question. It cannot be taken away without your consent.

At work again, suddenly my feelings of safety are shattered when I realize that our new president, whom I do not admire, makes his second home in Austin. If they are out to get President Bush, terrorism may come to the town where I live. My knees shake. I am scared.

I hate Bush. It is he and republicans like him who have brought this hatred of America to the people of the Middle East. Do you think if Gore were president this would have happened? No, I do not. Think about George W. Bush. Who is his father? The man who started Dessert Storm. The man who ran the CIA and was Vice President during the Reagan years. Do you not think the Middle East has it out for this man. He is a target. He makes America a target of hatred around the world. Do I put blame on his shoulders. You bet I do.Do I stand behind him now, as our president during our darkest hours. You bet I do.

Bush is our president. He speaks for our nation. I have to believe in him. I must have faith in him. Whatever the decisions and incidents of the past, and no matter how much wrong we, as America, have done in the past, I don't think we ever acted cowardly. I don't think we ever consciously killed innocent civilians. I know that we have been smug, self righteous bastards at times, as a country. I can not condone all we have done. But this massive, evil attack on innocent Americans is far worse than anything we have ever done anywhere in the world. Some Middle Easterners celebrate in the street, rejoicing at the terrorism in America. They are misguided. They are angry. They are bitter and brainwashed. They need a villain and America has become that villain. I will not hate them. I will pity them for their ignorance and misguided joy. They have been hurt. I am only imagining what it must be like for them. And now, for us.

I get home. The president is to speak. He does so and sounds like he is reading. He looks angry. Politics are probably very personal when you are the son of George Bush. George W tries to look strong. His beady eyes look tired and confused. He looks like a used car salesman. We must have swift justice George W, yes. But where is the plea for compassion? Where is a heeding to not hate? We need leadership. Not a used car.

We cannot let America come to a stop. Regular flights must resume. Work must resume. Baseball must resume. Do not let the terrorists take away our rights. If we let them make us afraid or if they make us hate, they win. I'll say that again: If the terrorists make us afraid to be free, to do as we please, then they win. We must go back to our daily routines as soon as possible.

They stopped flights and slowed down America, but they did not win. I still went to work today here in Texas, in America. In Austin, the adopted home of our president, restaurants were still open. I still used my ATM card. I still had electricity and water and shelter and could drive my car down the street. It would take a million bombs and a million terrorists, maybe a billion bombs and a billion terrorists, to take away my freedom, to stop America, to plunge us into chaos. Ha! That is impossible. I will fight for my freedom to the death. I will not give up my way of life to anyone who threatens me. This I have learned as a gay man. If you allow anyone - ANYONE - to make you afraid of being yourself and being true to your heart, they win. No one will ever make me afraid. I refuse to hand over my freedom.

I am not, in any way, condoning what was done today or suggesting it was an act of freedom of expression to bomb the World Trade Center. On the contrary, I am remembering that what is at stake here is freedom. That is what this whole incident is about. Freedom is the freedom to hate but it is also the freedom to love. I know I am rambling and sound confused. All Americans are confused today. All of us are trying to figure out how we feel, what we think, what we should do. We are going through the stages of grief. Our innocence died somewhat today. And our freedom that we hold so dearly was tested. We did not fail. We retain the freedom to walk openly and live openly. We refuse to submit, to allow others to take this from us.

When all these thousands of people died today, they did not die in vain. Their deaths prove that no cowardly and sinister act of terrorism will ever steal away the American people's freedom. Test us. Watch what happens. Our resolve solidifies. And watch us. Most of us will not submit to hatred. We may be shaky on this, because we are humans with free thought and freedom of expression and freedom to be ourselves. But we will not fall to hatred!

It is so clear to me now. All of our debates and fighting in America about freedom only proves how free we are. The freedom to be myself as a gay man is enhanced because I must fight for it daily just as those who question my freedom are enriched because they are free to question it and even suggest it should not be so. Without the freedom to debate and fight about these questions, the freedom would not exist. Freedom is the freedom to hate. Freedom is the freedom to question. Sweet freedom. So beautiful is this country and what it stands for. I love my homophobic brother because I am free to love him. I can decide for myself. Just as he can. His hatred towards me does not make us enemies really, it makes us human. I am filled with joy that I live in a country where we can decide. Where I can be me and you can be you and we can choose whether to accept each other or not, whether to hate each other or not. I choose not to hate. You choose what you wish. We both win. There are no losers in a democracy. There are no losers amongst the free.

What a gift these terrorists have given me with this thought: Beautiful, beautiful freedom. How sweet it is. How much it means to me. I did not even have to take this freedom. I really did not even have to fight for it. (I realize others did - others had to fight to create and proclaim my freedom for me). It was given to me, by that which gives life, and by history, and I accepted it. I embraced it. I saw the value of it. And I refused to give it away.

Freedom. Sweet, sweet freedom. So fragile and delicate. A baby really. We must constantly protect it. We must constantly hold it close and keep it dear. We must give ourselves, our lives, for it sometimes. I will give my life before I ever give up my freedom. I refuse to let anyone take it away.Ever. American's have never really fought for freedom. Humans have always had it. Americans fought to keep freedom, to retain it. They fought rather than to give their freedom away. By saying "Give me liberty or give me death" Patrick Henry really meant, "I will keep my freedom granted by human existence. You cannot take it from me. I refuse to give it away. I will die rather than give it away." Or, "To not have freedom is to not truly be alive."

This is America. I do not want to live in a police state. I do not want those who hate to win. My anger and hate and prejudice just makes me sink to the level of those whom I do not want to be like. I must be strong. Not judge people by their national origin or religious beliefs. All people who are Middle Eastern or Muslim are not like these people who are terrorists. And I am only presuming it is Middle Easterners. Anything is possible. I must try not to hate. I must be strong. I must fight to stay open-minded and loving. I must not hate. I must not. If I hate, the terrorists win. I am free. I choose not to hate. That is my blessed freedom. I am giddy with the glee I remember that I have. I almost allowed it to be taken from me. I almost gave it away by giving myself over to hatred. I do not hate anyone. I win. Your hatred and your terrorism have not swayed me. I win. I win I win.

At home, at night: Images come on TV now rapidly. Crazy, unbelievable, chaotic images. Testimonials from Americans, a broad spectrum of peoples. All with stories. All survivors. All who have lost friends and loved ones. America is such a strong and beautiful country. It's sad and beautiful that tragedy brings us together. Makes us community. People are basically good. "Why is there so much evil in this world? Why are there people like Frank in this world?" Jeffrey asks in David Lynch's "Blue Velvet." I don't know the answer to that except that evil always generates goodness. Evil always is returned by kindness. People have good hearts. People want a reason to show love for one and other, to show caring for one and other. Evil always brings this out. Maybe, if there is a God, he sees this. He challenges us. He makes us question our thoughts and beliefs. He makes darkness to bring out the light. He calls upon evil to bring forth the good.

I call my mom. It is good to hear her voice. She is fine. Everyone is fine.

Blessed freedom. I choose to love.

Lodger2001

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