Seen:

The Camarades Boy

Someone handing out flyers for “Sex, Politics and Cocktails”

Scott Dinger

Stewart Halpren (director of “When Boys Fly”)

Several cast and crew members from “When Boys Fly”

Ben Parsley

It’s getting harder and harder to remember all the conversations I have, especially with Johnny Oh! We talk and talk and the conversations run the gauntlet for relationships and sex to empathic abilities. It’s awesome to have a friend who can talk as intelligently as I can for as long as I can. I really enjoy Johnny’s friendship.

Anyway – on to another topic (as we may run a gauntlet here today as well).

J.K. likes the song in the Agliff trailer so I have to find out who it is. It’s a good song, some sort of techno dance tune. I have to remember to try and ask someone important what the song is.

I thought the trailer (there is only one this year) was rather lame. But I had an interesting misconception about it. As you may remember from an earlier report, I thought it showed images from classic gay cinema or something, when in fact it shows images from films showing this year at Agliff. That’s interesting because it indicates just how good some of these films look. Also, I can’t remember ever going to a film festival in the past where the promo trailer for that festival included images from the films in the festival. That’s cool and I think it reflects just how good some of the films in this year’s festival have been.

Johnny and I discussed the sexual orientation thing I wrote about in yesterday’s report and I may have misquoted him a little. I said that he respected gay people who were celibate because they did not engage in sexual activity due to religious beliefs. Johnny really said that he was “accepting” of such people, in the way the he hoped others would be accepting of the lifestyle he leads. This lead to a whole discussion of nature vs. nurture and choice versus genetics. I think we both agree that it is a combination of nature and nurture that leads to the people that we are. I used to think I was born gay and that I “chose” to not lie, live an openly gay life, and accept myself for who I was. But I see that much of that is based on “nurture” as well. My parents are awesome people who not only taught me that it was okay for boys to cry and it was okay for boys to play with dolls, etc... but also that it was important to be an honest person and to not only be yourself but be proud of who you were. In many ways, I had no choice at all as to who I became because honesty, passion, verve, and pride were drilled into me from the time I was a small boy. That is why I never worried that much at all about what my parents were going to say when I came out. Yes, there was some initial disappointment, as I’m sure all parents undergo, gay or straight. But most of all was the same love and acceptance I always felt from them. The same support, the same unconditional love. (And yes, I know I am so very, very lucky)!

Anyway – A festival is going on!

After working my day gig, I had less than an hour to go home, change and get to the Metropolitan. When I got home, my roomie Amanda’s parents were there. I forgot they were coming. I said hello to them and apologized for being in such a hurry.

I was meeting J.K. and Johnny Oh! for “When Boys Fly” at 7:15. Johnny was on time, of course. J.K. was not. I waited outside in line for him. (I have a filmmaker’s badge but it only gets me in early. Why would I leave someone as cute as J.K. out in a line with a hundred other gay boys all on his own. I wasn’t born yesterday). There were two guys behind me and they were catty and funny and talking in a voice loud enough to be overheard but not too loud. They said a lot of catty and humorous things but when one was talking about a situation from when he was younger, his first sort of exposure to another gay man, my ears really perked up. These guys were late 20’s; I had only seen them out of the corner of my eye but they looked good. Anyway, one was talking about how this guy propositioned him when he was a teen and he turned him down. After a bit of chat, he asked his friend what he would have done and he said, “I’d have let him blow me…” and then added, “But I’m easy.” I immediately turned around and stuck out my hand to him and said, “Pleased to me you…” We all laughed. It was funny. He was very cute.

“When Boys Fly’ is about circuit parties and there were lots of cute, younger, raver type boys coming and going. These guys were talking about how some of them were to young for them. I was hoping J.K. would come up to me in line by them so I could kiss him in front of them. I thought that would really be funny.

Anyway, Johnny had gone in to save seats for us and I came in without J.K. I figured he would call me if he got to the theater and didn’t see me. But Johnny got up to go get sodas, so I gave him J.K.’s ticket in case he saw him. After what seemed like several minutes, J.K. came in with my drink and found me.

I knew he was going to be leaving the next day on a vacation to Cincinnatti (or however you spell it) to visit some friends and I knew this was the last time I would see him for a week. It wasn’t enough time. I was sad about that. J.K. had a present for me, a “Keep Austin Weird” bumpersticker. We had talked about them a couple weeks before and I had said I wanted one. He also gave me a card. It was humorous. But he had written a nice note to me inside.

Oh, I give up! I just don’t know what is going on with him. I think he really wants to be more like friends than lovers, but he’s so passive and so sweet, I don’t think he knows how to say that. At the same time, he obviously likes me and enjoys being with me and enjoys going on dates with me. I don’t know. It’s all confusing. My feelings change about him everyday. But then, maybe his change about me just the same way. I am such an analytical and “out there” person. I have to label and define everything. I can’t just take it one day at a time. Okay, I can… but it drives me crazy.

Johnny said it best, I think when we were talking about it and he said, “You (and J.K.) think differently.” That’s so true. We are very different in many ways. Anyway, his note in the card was sweet and kind and thoughtful. But not really romantic, loving but not lovey-dovey. Then again... Maybe it was intended to be sweet and romantic and his idea of romanticism is just different than mine. I wrote him a love poem the other day and e-mailed it to him. It goes like this:

words (for j.k.)

If I could write by hand

One thousand thank you’s

In one thousand journals

And one thousand I love you’s

In one thousand more

It would only half express

The joy that you have brought

I might also write

Of your flaxen hair,

Your smile like the sun,

Your tenuous kisses,

Your tender love

And that would still leave unspoken

What has truly passed between us

If words could be love, made sentient,

Than this page would jump

Into your arms

And sigh,

Kiss you tenderly

And be consumed in the fire

That is your mouth

But black on white

Markings on ice

Can never say enough

Like the I love you’s that I mouth,

And the breaths of passion that I sigh,

These words are insignificant reward

For a soul enlivened

By your gracious gaze

In the fragile night

Anyway. He left after the movie to go home and pack and get some rest. He still had to work the next day at 6:30am. I kissed him goodbye and told him to have fun. And told him that if he needed anything, anything at all, please call me.

You know, J.K. and I watched a film the other day, “Days (Giorni)” and in it there were two lovers. A scene showed them walking on the beach and they looked so happy as a couple. I thought about J.K. because he was right next to me and because it was a romantic couple scene and, perhaps because these guys were young and cute, I just wanted that for him, a love in his life that made him content and happy, even if it wasn’t me. That was a new feeling for me. That was another indication, to myself, of just how much I loved him.

To me, love means you would do without so that the other could have. If you were starving, you would rather see them eat then yourself. In a storm, you would rather they have shelter than you. In love, you wished they were happy, even if it were with someone else. That’s love. I don’t think I’ve ever felt that for anyone before, except, perhaps, my own mother.

To move back to the true object at hand, the film festival. “When Boys Fly” was preceded by two shorts. One was a late addition to the fest not included in the program which was called “LTR.” In case you live in a cave, “LTR” stands for “long term relationship.” With this film, I finally realized why I hate “mockumentaries;” they want you to laugh at people who are supposedly being caught in the act (by the camera) of being themselves. That is so misanthropic and cruel. It angers me. “LTR” was another one of those film. It focused on two young lovers in their early 20’s, who were starting a relationship and expected to be together (as only young lovers could) for the rest of their lives. This film enjoyed poking a finger at young love and laughing at it. How sadly brutal.

“LTR” had some things going for it, however. Most importantly, it had some truly funny moments that were not making fun of the characters, so much anyway. The best example of these was a joke about gay commitment rings. And the leads were young and hot and very easy to watch for 15 minutes. There was also a funny twist in the plot involving the director/cameraman of the piece. But all the good qualities about this film were overshadowed, for me anyway, by it’s savage cruelty.

Next was a hilarious and gloriously gay short called “Two Big Fags” that was basically a conversation between two gay, urban, 20-something males on a park bench. The script was awesome with lots of barbs at modern gay life (but not at gay people) and it was well acted and just fierce as fuck. It was hilarious as well. This was a great short. The film was made by Randy Eisenberg, who should be commended.

After the film, there was a Q&A with the director and one of the stars, a cutie named Jon, that wasn’t very insightful. I tried to take pictures but we didn’t sit close the front of the theater since Johnny picked the seats. (Now, I know for a fact Johnny wears contacts). Anyway, I hate Q&A’s after well-attended screenings because people are continually getting up and leaving during the talk and that is just way too rude, in my opinion. Watching people flock out during this Q&A though I was tempted to join them because it turned into an anti-drug rally. And then they pulled up two guys from Austin, one who helps plan medical staff for raves/circuit parties and one who is the big party promoter here in Austin. John knew him. I can’t remember his name. It turned into some sort of queer city counsel meeting when some activist type started asking the promoter about his promises to give percentages of proceeds to charitable organizations. It was just all too heavy for me. No fun!

So, after “When Boys Fly’s” pedantic, anti-drug Q&A was over, Johnny and I stayed and watched the TBA film “All the Queen’s Men” and then went to Taco Cabana for a late (inexpensive) dinner. We talked a lot and there were lotsa cute guys there. There was a couple of college aged boys and they obviously noticed us and we obviously noticed them but no real interplay went on between us. At one point, one of the guys got up and walked by the table. It was so obvious that he wanted us to notice him that I outright stared right at him and he noticed me noticing him. I must have had a unique look on my face because Johnny said, “What?” and I told him, loud enough for the cutie to hear, “Oh nothing, he wanted me to vibe him, so I vibed him.” I was pretty amused by this.

Lodger (the vibe machine) at Agliff 2002