Yet Johnny expressed some respect for men who are gay but who, citing a respect for God, do not act upon their sexual feelings. This is hogwash in my book. I’m not trying to start a fight with Johnny, in fact we haven’t discussed this. I don’t think he is a staunch supporter of such people, rather only expressed an understanding of them. It is simply the festival film “Straight” and our brief discussion of it that brought this subject to my mind.

I don’t believe in God. Yet, on days where the sky is a brilliant blue, and the air is fresh and clean, and the world seems new and lovely, it is difficult not to believe in one. I often think that if there were some sort of “creator,” he is long dead and gone. Whatever sparks sentient beings, whatever life is… I am agnostic enough to know that I don’t know. Yet rather than being anarchistic and pessimistic because of this belief, I find myself to be just the opposite, even more so as I age. I guess I’m sort of a humanist/Hedonist. If this brief, blinking moment is all we get, then we better live it to the fullest. We better enjoy it as best we can. We better get out there and live. And this is why those who do not act upon their sexual inclinations irritate me. They are denying the very life they have been given.

Nobody knows why there are gay people. Like the existence of God, we can question it, debate it and logically try to determine it, but in the final analysis, the existence of God is as mysterious and enigmatic as the existence of gay people. Nobody will ever truly know.

Life is here. It is now. Live it.

Now, I’m sure those who disagree with me will say two things. One: You just equated gay people with the Almighty. (No. No I did not. You are twisting my words). And two: I guess pedophiles and other sexual “deviants” should explore their sexual feelings too.

This second point is tougher but I must fall back on Lodger’s Prime Directive of existence: You are free to do whatever you choose as long as you do not hinder anyone else’s freedom to choose as well. In other words: Do as you wish. But things that stop other people from doing as they wish, such as rape murder, molestation (in reality a form of rape), etc… is not acceptable.

I’m sure someone will take issue with this and twist my words but that is okay. I never said I had it all figured out. I never said this was a plan for others to go by. What I am saying though is this: If you have gay feelings and you opt not to explore them due to some pious or societal constriction, you are an ignoramus. You are a dishonest person. You’ve been sold a bill of goods by society and you are not smart enough to think and act for yourself. And if there is a God, when judgement day comes, he will call you on it!

Anyway, on Wednesday, I only went to see one film, “Second Skin.” I went alone. I was standing in line waiting to get in with only one older Hispanic guy in front of me. (He looked older, he may have been younger than me). He was obviously gay, although I had not heard him speak yet, I don’t believe. He was just slightly effeminate.

Anyway, a couple of young Hispanic boys walked by and in my mind I was thinking about how strange it must be for “normal” people to come to this mainstream megaplex and find gay people have sort of taken it over, a bit. I was wondering what these young boys must be thinking about when they passed and said, “Hello Mr. XXX” (they used his last name), and he replied in kind. I almost fell. It was so amusing to me that they knew this guy. Here I was wondering about their feelings might be on their first exposure to gay people and they knew this guy by name. Turns out he is a teacher at an elementary school and they attend classes there.

I explained my thoughts, as best I could, to the Hispanic teacher and he blew it off, saying that they were too young to even understand such things. I disagree but did not press the issue. Instead we went on to talk about pop culture entertainment including the animated shorts at the festival, “Friends,” (as Matt LeBlanc is in a gay film showing in a TBA slot on Thursday), “Will and Grace,” “Six Feet Under,” “Nico and Dani,” and “Y tu mama tambien,” the latter of which he had not seen. He was an interesting and nice guy and talking to him made the time pass quickly.

After the film, I headed downtown and went to Elysium. They play old school retro Goth music (lotsa Bauhaus and Siouxie) on Wednesday nights. (The place is pretty bi too. It’s the only club in Austin where I’ve ever gotten felt up in the bathroom, by some X rolling college boy). There was maybe ten people there. I was feeling rather blah and sort of sorry for myself (J.K. had not called all day) so I did multiple shots of Jagermeister.

Lodger 2002 @ Agliff 2002